Showing posts with label im. Show all posts
Showing posts with label im. Show all posts
Thursday, December 1, 2016
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Things Im Going to Do Now That This Program is Over
Things Im Going to Do Now That This Program is Over
- sleep
- read
- blog
- write
- read
- sleep
- sleep
- sleep
- float around in a pool
- get a tan
- eat a popsicle
- sleep
- read
- breathe
- see friends
- blog
- clean my house
- maybe not that last one
- do something crafty
- do my makeup
- do makeup
- play with makeup
- see a movie
- a movie I CHOOSE and not Bryan. ugh.
- be a rockstar CBO at an awesome school district and use everything I learn to improve the lives of children.
- sleep.
download now
Tuesday, November 22, 2016
March Recap and April Challenge Oops Im Late
March Recap and April Challenge Oops Im Late
Not the pregnant kind of late. I realized last week that I never did a March recap and I also havent posted my April challenge. Bad blogger!
In March, I tried to focus on healthier eating and specifically, cooking at home. We definitely did a LOT better, but still not anywhere near acceptable. I havent quite worked out the kinks of stocking a fridge and eating it all.
via
Even with a meal plan, Im stumped. Ive switched from stocking the fridge up all the way to just going week by week... maybe two weeks with one grocery trip. But more often than not we wont have a plan for dinner and instead of making do well opt to grab town food.
This does not help my quest for health, my waistline OR the pocketbook. You know what Im saying?
I do feel that we are transitioning. A few nights Bryan and I didnt have a plan for dinner and he quickly defrosted some of the frozen hamburger patties or taco meat that I had previously made. With the leftovers from that, plus cooking fresh meals, we ate at home a lot more often. However, until the scale has tipped to eating at home every night and eating town food rarely, I wont consider it a win. Habits still need to be adjusted and formed.
Which brings us to April. All this month I will be working on my stress levels and how to relax, how to cope and how to survive my anxiety and work through it. Ive been really stressed out because we have a lot coming up. There is just so much on my plate and Ive freaked out a few times on Bryan because it seems impossible to do everything. I need to channel my stress and focus on the tasks at hand. Not just bombard my brain with all the lists of things that need to be accomplished.
via
This is going to be hard. Most people have no idea because Im pretty good at living with stress. Living with stress and COPING with stress are two different things. Most of the time I just stuff everything stressful way down deep in my soul and it explodes into a huge debilitating migraine. Im tired of feeling bounded by stress. Im ready to break through it.
via
How am I going to do it? So far I have been breathing deeply throughout the day. Ive been stretching on my breaks and taking quick walks outside when I need to clear my head. Shepherd has learned how to "dance" so Ive been dancing with him which is probably the best thing in the world. Ive been going to bed on time and waking up earlier.
Ive downloaded the Couch to 5k app, because I really want to start running. I feel like by training myself to run I will be able to clear my mind, have a sense of freedom and give my body the activity it crazy in one fell swoop.
Of course, I have no desire to run in any kind of marathon, but the concept of getting off the couch and running is what I need. Attending the conference and planning Shepherds birthday has really messed up my workout schedule, so Ill be hitting it hard the next two weeks. I have a lot of make up for in the losing weight front but since Im entering a very busy stage of life its a better time than any to start!
via
download now
Sunday, November 6, 2016
Im Not Good at Life Part 1
Im Not Good at Life Part 1
Ive always been honest on this blog. I want this to be a reflection of me, broken, imperfect, silly. I write about things I like and things that have happened to me. I write for me. I write because if I dont, I feel weird.
Today Im writing to say that I suck at life.
Im just not good at it.
I dont like dealing with things. Id rather do anything else than deal with anything. Does that make sense? I often shame myself into accomplishing tasks that other people do without thinking. Like... Laundry. Sure, no one likes doing laundry and if they do, well. Poor them. I see laundry and I get overwhelmed. I get anxious. Ill do it tomorrow, I say to myself.
Original Artwork Via
Tomorrow comes and I see the laundry and I know I need to do it. I can recognize this. I know I have nothing to wear to work the next day. I know I am wearing the last pair of underpants I have, you know, the ones with the holes that are the backups of the back-up backups. The ones where, if I got in a car accident and died, these would be the last pair of underwear I would want to be wearing when they take my body to the morgue. Yet? The next day I wake up, curse myself that I didnt do the laundry and either go commando or I find a pair of underwear that Ive had since high school and no matter how much I yank and pull they just do. not. fit.
I go to work and chide myself, I need to be better! Do better! Look at my coworkers. I bet they are wearing underwear. I bet they do laundry on a regular basis. I bet they didnt pick up the shirt from the pile by the bed, smell it and figure, eh. good enough. All throughout work Im like yes! Im going to go home and organize my life. I cant live this way! Except when I get home I eat a taco and there is a whole lot of nope-ing happening.
Nope, Im not doing laundry tonight. Im tired. Nope, Im not cleaning up my make-up area. Nope, Im not fixing the pillows on the couch. Nope, Im not vacuuming or dusting. Im just going to stay here, in the dark, and try not to move. Or do anything.
Unless its fun. Oh! People want to meet up for dinner? YES. My sister wants us to stop by for a game night? Count me in! Date night? Sure! Target run? Please. Im already in the car.
This, Ive concluded, is not normal. We are gone from home more nights than we are home. We do anything we can to not be at home. Why? Because our house sucks. No one has vacuumed or dusted or done laundry or fixed the pillows on the couch in ages.
I believe this is part of the reason why I even stopped writing. I cant be creative in a house where every corner has a project or a pile. I cant use my imagination to create another world when Im busy imagining that pile of laundry isnt in the middle of the bedroom floor.
I need to change it. I want to change it. Yet I dont. I cant handle it all. I cant work for eight hours and then come home and scrub toilets. I cant work every day of the week and then spend all weekend pulling weeds.
Its suffocating.
Today, as Bryan and I were cleaning our bedroom I told him, I feel like I could be the kind of woman that just disappears. That walks away from it all and leaves everything behind. Bryan asked me, "Wouldnt you miss Shepherd too much?" Yes. I would. I dont think I could ever do it, really, because of the damage it would do to him.
But that doesnt stop me from imagining the freedom I would feel as I ran. And that makes me feel like maybe... just maybe, there is something truly wrong with me.
download now
Wednesday, November 2, 2016
What Im loving Wednesday!
What Im loving Wednesday!
Linking up with Jamie for WILW!
--I am loving my sweet little Hudson! He has already grown so much and I love the adorable little spring outfits he is able to wear because of the warm weather!! I am also loving my sweet little Brody and watching him as a big brother. I love my two boys and I love being a boy mom!!!!
I am loving the awesome weather we have been having! It has been in the 70s-80s all week!! Love that we are able to get out and play all day! Love watching my boys slam dunk while me and Hudson stroll!
I am Loving how funny Brody is. He definitely keeps me on my toes and keeps me smiling and laughing!
I am loving Pink and Orange together, love love love it always have! These are two pictures from my cousin Graces engagement party! It was adorable!!!! It may need a whole post in itself!! Love the pink and orange color combo!
download now
Tuesday, October 25, 2016
My 28th Birthday and 10 Year High School Reunion Im old
My 28th Birthday and 10 Year High School Reunion Im old
I turned 28 this year! I feel old and like a kid, all at once. We celebrated my birthday on the 6th, because Bryan had worship practice on the evening of my actual birthday. We had all of our immediate family and close friends over for a little barbeque. Totally last minute. Bryan actually planned and invited everyone with only about 24 hours until show time. But almost everyone came and it was extremely low key. Just my kind of party!
Bryan asked what I wanted for my birthday and I said that it would be amazing to start my day with a crumb cake doughnut and a Java Heaven coffee, have lunch with him and Shepherd on my break, and then go see a movie that night. That is exactly what happened! Bryan got up and took Shepherd to get the doughnuts and coffee while I got ready and then brought my Cisneros tacos for lunch! He also gave me my birthday gift - tickets to see Britney Spears in Las Vegas in a few weeks!!! If I hadnt been at work I would have been squealing with excitement.
I made plans for the night of my actual birthday to go out to dinner and a movie with my sisters. We went to Tommys in Visalia (their calamari is amazing) and then went to see The Intern at the downtown theater. It was so. stinking. good. I loved it. Robert De Niro was incredible in it. He kept reminding us of our Dad. Anne Hathaway did a great job too!
I dont have a lot pictures from the actual day, but I had an amazing birthday this year. It was sweet and simple with lots of family time!
The next day was my 10 year high school reunion, which I made Denise come up for! I havent gone out with Bryan in so long, it was so great to have a proper date with him. I like that guy. :)
I saw a lot of old friends and caught up with a few I see on social media and not in real life. It was great to hear everyones stories! I didnt get many pictures (the three bottom ones are from Denise) because Ive really been trying to stay off my phone and be in the moment at events. This is good, but it also means I capture less. Im still trying to find the right balance!
I had such an amazing week, but it wasnt over yet. My Sprinkle was just two days away and it really put the cherry on top of the whole week!
download now
Tuesday, October 18, 2016
While Im Away
While Im Away
Joel is an awesome Dad. And an even more awesomer husband.
I like to travel for work. I mean sort of. I like to see new places and meet people face to face that I normally only get to interact with over the phone and email. Sometimes I get to go to cool places - like a Major League Soccer stadium. That part of travel is really exciting.
The part of travel that I hate (other than being on WW and trying to find something besides salad to eat while Im gone), is that I miss Joel and the kids TERRIBLY. One night away isnt so bad. Its kind of a nice break from routine. But more than one night and I start to feel homesick.
Last week, I was gone for 4 days (3 nights). That was a long time away. The work part was exhausting: I was in 2 different cities and 3 airplane rides in those four days. I didnt sleep well at all and I ate salad 7 times (not counting breakfast, where I ate only fruit and drank coffee).
But this is where having an awesome husband comes in to play. Joel is super thoughtful. He sends me pictures and videos of the kids.
Tyler said, "I dont want to get up."
morning pee pee (can I put this on the internet??)
Out cold and drooling...
"hiding" cause he didnt want to get up
By the way, why is it that when we have to get up and go to work, the kids are ready to sleep in, but on the weekends, they are up at 5? How, HOW, does that happen?
Below is a still shot from a video he took of the kids. Im pretty sure I watched the video 12 times in a row and subjected my coworkers to it over and over. The video went something like this:
Lily: LOVE YOU MOMMY!
Tyler: LLLLUUUHH YOU MOOOOMMMEEEEEE!!
(Joel: Wave bye bye! Say See you soon.)
Lily: LOVE YOU. LOVE YOU TOO MOMMY! SEE YOU SOON!
Tyler (waving frantically)
He also picks up the slack and works hard to juggle his inflexible work schedule in order to be there for the kiddos and their field trips. Last week, it was pumpkin patch with Lilys class (would have been Tylers class too but his day got rained out).
And finally, I got home thinking I was going to have to run right back out to the store to restock my fruit supply (since weve already established thats all I eat for breakfast) - but he had already done that for me too.
Hes a good one. I think Ill keep him.
download now
Sunday, October 16, 2016
Im all better Mama!
Im all better Mama!
I will go back and fill in the candid shots I have filed away to add to the blog, I WILL!
But I wanted to add these adorable more portrait style pictures Ive taken of him.
The stomach flu slammed the Collins home, all four of us were sick at the same time. (Daddy was the "sickest," go figure, big baby!) ;)
This is Connor showing that he is feeling much better and is itching to get out of the house.
download now
Im back!
Im back!
I went to our mid-year meeting for school last week and then spent the first half of this week at the Pines Resort at Bass Lake! Ill have a post about that on Friday (or Monday, honestly) but I just wanted to drop in and say hello.
It was nice to take a few days off and while I planned on working on editing some videos over my short vacation, it was just that - SHORT! The last thing I wanted to do was stare at a computer screen when I had beautiful mountains, tall trees and an almost water-less lake to look at. It was also amazing spending four consecutive days with my baby. Lets be real for a second though, I had NO IDEA editing was so time consuming. I have a new respect for all of the YouTubers out there. Jeesh! My procrastination comes in out in full force when I know I have editing to do. Hopefully tonight Ill suck it up and get to it!
The time off was wonderful but now I have to face the daily grind. Im always a little resentful after vacation, when life goes back to normal. Adults do so many things. TOO many things.
I have a lot to catch up on and a lot to write about! Next week we will return to the normal schedule (Monday-Wednesday-Friday) but dont forget you can follow me on Twitter (which I need to be more active on, so tweet me! @meganlauriana) or on Instagram (@meganlauriana).
Instagram might be a little light over the next few days though... My camera is broken because a certain boy that inhabited my belly for seven-and-three-quarter months dumped makeup remover on my phone. Luckily the front camera and everything else still works. Hoping to get a replacement phone soon!
Hope you had an amazing MLK holiday!
xoxo,
Merg
download now
Friday, October 14, 2016
Maybe Im Not a Christian Anymore
Maybe Im Not a Christian Anymore
"I just have no desire to get right with God. If you asked me if I believed in Jesus, if I believe he died on the cross for me, if I believe God exists I would say that without a doubt I do. That said, I still have zero motivation to cultivate that relationship even though in my mind I know that I need too."
I didnt expect to say that to my sister Kari on the way back from Costco two weekends ago. It wasnt planned. I hadnt really been thinking about it at all. I had homemade baby food and a much needed diaper change on the brain as I drove us home from Visalia that Saturday evening.
We had been talking about a family that has been close to us our whole lives that is planning to move back to California after a short hiatus on the east coast. I was asking for updates and wanted to know in what city they wanted to live. I wished out loud that they would live closer to us. That I always seemed to be a better person/better Christian when I was around them.
I said I needed that. Needed to surround myself with Christian people. And then those words just floated right out of my mouth.
I havent been silent when it comes to God and I being on the outs. I am quite aware that we are at a pivotal moment in our relationship and that I may not be responding the way I should. I have also noticed that I have been gravitating towards Christian women on social media. I notice that these women are different. They capture me and I started to notice a theme: they are Christian. Now when I find a new blogger/vlogger than I like and see a verse thrown in here or there in blog posts or casually mentioned in YouTube videos, Im not surprised. I almost roll my eyes at myself because for a while, I thought maybe Im just not a Christian anymore. But here I am, starting to subconsciously seek out women that have Jesus in their lives in some capacity. To the point where they mention it and its obviously not a big deal to their readers. It casually flows, an effortless part of themselves.
Without trying, I am surrounding myself with Christian women because (as my mom always said when I was a child) who surrounds you is a reflection of yourself. I, again unknowingly, sought out women that I want to be a reflection of because they are seeking Jesus and I know I want that as well.
Obviously, this isnt something Ive mentioned to anyone so it was surprising when, all of a sudden, Kari and I are having this deep conversation in the car. She told me that she had felt the same way after having her first son. We talked about my aversion to going to church and she, so effortlessly, explained why. The reason I didnt want to attend church was the same exact reason she didnt want to after having her first son. Going to church requires having an open heart. It is hard to attend church without the emotions that you have been holding back bubbling to the surface. When there are so many people loving on each other, supporting each other, singing and praising, its hard to keep your heart untouched, especially when you are aching to let go.
via
She told me that I needed to find a safe place to go where I could cry. (Which, shockingly, I still havent done since Shepherd has been born.) She said I needed to go somewhere outside of my house, possibly outside of my little town and lay it all down. To take a real look at the state of my heart and what lies within it. For Kari, it was a worship night at the church, which sounds like something that would work, except I have over a years worth of pain, frustration and heartache to go through. There is going to be all-kinda ugly crying up in there.
via
Anyways, the main reason I havent been so keen on talking about it is because I feel like Im giving everyone whiplash. Its existential crisis after existential crisis over here. Since I started blogging regularly Ive been just pouring out so many thoughts, so many repressed feelings that its just been an onslaught of emotion. If you are annoyed by it, think of how I feel!
Becoming a mother in the way that I did, having a harrowing breastfeeding experience, being in charge of a tiny human with different interests and needs than my own, working full-time and supporting my wild album-recording dreamer, losing my best friend, being there as my sweet dog got slammed into by a stupid car going way too fast, almost losing my father-in-law, watching Bryan almost lose his dad....well, I feel that there hasnt been time to deal with anything. Let alone maintain a relationship with God.
The past year, I was thoroughly broken. Every bit and piece of me feels different and Im floundering to figure out who I am. What Im interested in. What I want. Who I want to be. I feel like I am this blank canvas and before painting can begin, I must deal with this junk Im clutching. I cant be molded if Im unwilling to soften.
The plan is to take a quick overnight trip somewhere that I can heal. Im not sure when (or where?) that will be, hopefully soon. Ive also been thinking of getting a mentor, someone older and wiser that is outside of my daily life, that I can go to for counsel and advice. Someone that can help walk me through this, bounce around ideas and pray with me. How does one go about finding a mentor though?
Being back here, writing again, is so... helpful. Thank you for reading. Thank you for sharing my posts. Thank you for supporting me and for your sweet e-mails and Facebook messages about my birth experience/postpartum fog. Most of all, thank you for your advice and for walking through all of this with me. I appreciate it.
download now
Saturday, October 8, 2016
Saturday, October 1, 2016
A Carnival Themed First Birthday Party! Also Im tired
A Carnival Themed First Birthday Party! Also Im tired
When I was a kid, my mother would throw together three birthday celebrations a year for each of my sisters. Our huge freaking family would show up, the kids would run around like crazy people and trash the room that we had cleaned (read: stuffed everything into the closet) the week prior and wed eat and have cake and generally a good time. But even as a kid I would think it was crazy. It was fun, for sure, but it was insane.
I always knew that when I had kids I would do milestone birthday parties only with smaller, more intimate celebrations in between. My mother-in-law, whom I adore, does a tradition of a homemade cake and the birthday persons favorite meal. Family and friends are encouraged to swing by if theyd like, but for the most part its a very low key celebration. Sometimes theyll plan something for the weekend with friends or whatever. I dig it.
That said, the first birthday is a milestone birthday, even if Shepherd wont remember it. I wanted to do something big and I decided a carnival in my father-in-laws big backyard would be perfect. When I told Bryan and tried to get him to let me book a petting zoo for $300, we had to have the "lets be realistic" talk. I hate that talk. I dont want to "talk", I want a freaking PETTING ZOO.
Unfortunately, I lost that battle. We had quite a few games and activities for everyone, a bounce house, cotton candy and popcorn though. Which is essential when it comes to a Carnvial...is it not? Then, of course, there was hot dogs/chili dogs, frito boats, nachos and zero healthy food, because what is healthy at a carnival? Absolutely nothing!
I bought most of the games, decor and candy from Oriental Trading Company but I also bought some things from the 99 Cent Store and from Ricks Vending, which is local. For the popcorn, I borrowed a machine from my sisters mother-in-law and bought a box from Smart & Final that had packets of kernels on one side and buttery stuff on the other side. Perfectly portioned out! I had no idea they made packets like that - Bryan is the one who told me to pick one up! So convenient. Most of the food was from Smart & Final. I purchased the Cotton Candy from FlossZone. The website is a little outdated but it is legit for sure. Randy was SO incredibly helpful and the cotton candy arrived right on time. It was perfect. I would definitely recommend them if you are looking for affordable, bulk cotton candy. I should mention that I paid for all my stuff and wasnt perked to mention them. Im just passing along information for any other parent that may need resources for their parties!
For the games, we had a little station towards the back of the yard. We had archery where the kids would knock down bowling pins, lawn darts, ghetto ring toss which consisted of hula hoops and a tree stump, popping balloons with darts, lawn bowling, horse shoes, two corn hole stations, legit ping pong and a bean bag toss game. We also had a photo booth because Im obsessed with them. Most people didnt do it because they are duds. Laaaame.
My wonderful friend Colleen took photos for me! Im just going to dump the photos here and explain only when I feel it is necessary. Enjoy the pictures!
This is my sweet niece Emma, but behind her, youll notice a stick with balloons. We had those all over but a lot of them popped. You can pick up those balloon sticks here. I got the balloons from the dollar store.
Smoosh face! I totally dressed Shepherd in Red and Cream to go with the Carnival theme and also overalls because of Carnival workers. I adore my own self.
Shepherd has learned to dance, which looks a whole lot like squatting and hes in what my husband calls portuguese shoes. How adorable are they?
Here Im manning the popcorn station and my Dad is asking for more bubbles. The kiddos loved the bubble machine that our dear friends Stan and Tammy got Shepherd!
My beautiful sister Kari and her eldest son, Owen. Kari is a photographing enigma and I so adore this picture.
The favor boxes for the kids can be purchased here. I stuffed them with a ton of candy, some tattoos and of course prizes and toys.
The carnvial themed table decorations and candy were purchased from Oriental Trading Company. That decoration was the closest anyone would ever get to a clown around me. I didnt set those up and I didnt look at them long. I HATE clowns, which is funny because later youll see me dressed up as one. I make no sense.
He was the main reason why all the balloons popped.
He loved kicking this ball around. I played with him for a while whenever I got a chance.
I got this table skirt on clearance from Oriental Trading Company. Bryan used it for the gift table and it turned out so cute!
My wonderful friend Colleen. Shes currently baking Shepherds best friend. :)
We taught Shepherd to raise his hands when asked "Whos a big birthday boy?!" Adorable.
Cotton candy placed in treat bags for everyone! We also used these for the popcorn.
I tried to get him to taste it but hes in a phase where we have to taste things first. Once we saw me eat some he went to town on the smash cake!
Of course my father in law Rick pushed his whole face in the cake. Weirdo.
Outfit change! I bought both of these outfits from Kohls. I loved this little preppy shirt and short combination. Plus, I wanted him to be nice and cool while he was running around.
Denise made it to his first birthday party. Sure is nice to have her around again!
I cant say anything about how much I love this woman and how I adore how much she loves me and my son without getting mushy and teary-eyed so Ill just say that I love her and I cant wait for August!
Typical. Shepherds cousin Isaac is perfectly perfect and Shepherd refuses to take a picture with him.
"What is going on right now?"
Any get together where we all are is cause for picture taking. My mom and her girls.
My dad and his girls.
Once most people left and it was just our core people, I took my fat girl butt and got in the bounce house with my boy and hub. It was fun! And super unflattering!
#noimnotpregnant #gottaloseweight
#biggirljumping #watchoutnow
"Whos the big birthday boy?! Shepherd is!"
download now
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)