Find Kardus

I mean... Dont get me wrong. We dont live in squalor. We dont let things get unlivable. We scrub our toilets. We vacuum. Dust. Fix the pillows on the couch. We wash dishes and clean out the fridge. It all gets done, one way or another. Laundry, too.

The problem is that it is done with such... disdain. We do it cause we ought to, not because we want to. Not because we were blessed with this house, this stuff, this family, and we should take care of it. We should literally treat these as our prize possessions because they are. We dont deserve any of it. We are so rich, so incredibly rich, in the grand scheme of life. We should be praising God, taking care of the things we are blessed to buy. Dusting our Comcast box and BluRay DVD player with great joy because we dont have to have these items. But we do. 

We generally are just like crap, we have so many things, everywhere. This is not okay. I can hear my oldest sister in my head, "Here Megan, here are some piles. Just put everything in these piles away where they go."

I look at the piles and think, I dont know where this goes. For example, hats. Beanies. Gloves? Where do those go? How about gift bags? Or the tissue paper that you use to hide the contents of said gift bag? What about the packaging that the BluRay player comes in? or the manuals for the electronics or kitchen appliances? Where do you put all of the random odds and ends? Things you cant really get rid of but that you dont use all the time? 

I dont get it. So stuff just kind of gets shoved places. When that drawer/cabinet/shelf gets full and we go through it we are left with the same questions. Where, for the love of God, does this crap GO? We throw it away. A month or two or five goes by and we spend forever looking for whatever weve thrown away and end up going to buy another one. 

Not only is this a frustrating practice but it is also probably the stupidest thing Ive ever heard. What a waste. It irritates me that I can keep up with a pretty chaotic day job and yet matters of the home completely boggle my ever-lovin mind. 

I have a specific example. Want to hear it? Christmas was just here a month and some change ago and we use a fake tree. We will until Shepherd gets old enough to have the experience of picking out a tree. What you lack, with a fake tree, is that wonderful pine smell. Isnt that just the best? It is. I know. I have to have it. Enter, the pine smelling candle. Second best thing to a real tree. I have the candle, I can see it right now, from where I sit on the floor of the living room and there is about...an inch/inch and a half or so left in jar. 

AN INCH. Give or take. 

What in Sam Hill do I do with the candle? Do I pack it up with the rest of the winter straggler stuff for next year? Do I burn it even though its February and thats really weird? Do I throw it out? Are you reading this, wondering what the heck is wrong with me because this really isnt a big deal? 

To me, to my whacked out, totally jacked up brain, I dont know what to do with it. Honestly. So I do nothing. Its just sitting there. It has stockings on the label. 

The fact that this situation which, logically, I know is so low on the importance scale that it doesnt even warrant the time to ponder these questions and yet I choose to just leave it there speaks volumes of my mental state. Now, apply this situation to pretty much every single thing that happens in my life and you have a glimpse of what I deal with. 

Ill tell you what else. I feel sad for the candle. I feel sad for whatever stuffed animal Cali has torn apart when I throw it away. Even for the box that holds my Amazon goodies. Goodbye, box. We dont need you anymore. I genuinely feel bad for throwing away a box. 

Guys. I need help. Between not knowing what to do and having feels for inanimate objects, I think I might have mental problems. To my credit, I never stop myself from throwing away a box just because Im sad that it has served my purpose and Im done with it. Once I make the decision (however long that takes me) to toss something out I dont unmake it. I dont hoard. I might hold on to things a shy too long but I dont have closets full of crap that I call my friends. Im not that crazy. In fact, when we start to clean, Im suddenly the trash it monster! Ill just throw away everything. This lamp? I dont need this stupid lamp. GET RID OF IT. This couch? Pfft. PUT IT ON THE CURB. I dont want to keep anything. I want everything gone. Give it away! These pictures from formal 2003? TOSS EM. I dont know where to put them and I need less of everything everywhere. 

This cant be good. I am 98% sure that others do not think or behave like I do. I also dont know how to think like normal people. I used to think it was an age thing. 

"Im 17. Of course my room is dirty with clothes everywhere! When Im 20 Ill have my crap together."

"Im 20! I change outfits like 40 times a day. Once for work, once for after work, once for cozy clothes, once for actual pajamas. I dont have time to hang them back up because I have to go shopping for more clothes."

"Im 22! And married! A lot of mail comes to your house when you own things and there are lots of bills and twice as much laundry. Ill open these envelopes when Im 25 and never wear clean jeans again! Im young and in love!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Im 26 and I still dont open the mail or listen to my voice mail or wear clean pants because I cant."

Obviously, I do. Eventually. Ill drag my feet for as long as I possibly can and then when I know that I have to put some effort into being a normal adult I do what needs to be done. I just dont understand why it takes me so long to do it. Why do I leave the candle there when it is done serving its purpose? Why dont I deep clean and then maintain so that the next deep clean doesnt make me want to hide in a dark closet for the rest of my life? 

Why do I let things go until it gets so bad that getting up out of bed in the morning is daunting? 

I dont know how to be better. I dont know how to juggle all of the responsibilities of life. So... I just fake it.